dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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