I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
