I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
