i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
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