I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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