Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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