sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
