my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was born a porn star she said
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
