it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Green mimosas i think yes
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
