whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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