I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
