Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
ok first of all what the fuck
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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