How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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