Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
