chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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