Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
