She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
