this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
