I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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