grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
