It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I got inside last night via doggy door
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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