My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
