Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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