Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Can you bring me the toilet please
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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