my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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