i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
