White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
