Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
