I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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