My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
