I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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