how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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