Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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