it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
