so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
