the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
