4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
