she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
