Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
