spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
