I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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