My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
cat food counts as protein by the way
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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