Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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