she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
