I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
