I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
