If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
