i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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