i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
