u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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